Which emotion(s) — joy, envy, rage, pity, or something else — do you find to be the hardest to contain?)
First: Thank you, the authors of daily prompts. Somehow you know exactly what I am feeling and you give me an opportunity to share it.
I feel lost. Every direction beckons me, and every direction repels me. I feel like walking down the road where the destination is unknown.
What am I doing I don’t know. Why am I doing them I don’t know either. I am just ‘going with the flow’.
What makes me feel this way? I have my exams going on. And they aren’t going well.
Last exam I scored way better than I expected. Probably the only time I outdid my expectations. And while the ephemeral blithe lasted, I realized that now the stakes have risen. I CAN’T get any lesser than that, and I have to get better this time.
I know what people will say. ‘You did it last time, be happy’, ‘Come on you are a scholar, you can do it’, and the favourite of theirs ‘Don’t lie dude’
Well I am not lying. No I can’t lie now. Partly I blame this blog because after being so blunt and honest it is quite difficult to go and lie pretend. But I am saying this honestly, I was more tensed this time, during this exam than most of exams.
I know it is stupid. I know I made a big deal of them this time, when I should have just relaxed and prepared like every other exam. I couldn’t.
So if any of you reader ever meets any ‘nerd’ or ‘scholar’ and that person happens to say he is tensed, I ask of you to refrain yourself from commenting stupid things if you don’t believe him. Because, although I don’t know the tension and pressure of giving a reexam after failing, you don’t know the pressure of repeating your best performance, let alone beating your best.
And because of this I can say, things didn’t go smoothly. I messed up more than one paper. Overconfidence, ego and pride took their shares. And now I am left with only two papers this time.
I don’t think I’ll come close to my goal this time. I don’t believe I will. Four out of six papers weren’t up to the mark. And now I am tired. The pressure is gone because I know that I have lost my chance. And I am left wondering whether I should try my best. Whether it is still worth giving my best.
This is just a question whose answer I know. I am still giving my best. I have to, no choice. And that makes it more disappointing because I know it isn’t enough. No matter how many sleepless nights I spend now is not enough.
I am not enough.
And now as I took a small hiatus from my studies I realized that this is how I always felt. No matter how many feats I accomplished, no matter how much I know, or how much knowledge I attain, I am still not going to feel it is enough.
It will never be up to the mark. I will always feel like there was something more I could do. And then the cycle of self blame and criticism begins.
And trust me I know how bad this kind of thinking is. It doesn’t help. It just leads down a bottomless dark chasm on whose fringes I have always walked.
And considering the novel I last read I already know the answer to that.
From Stephan R Donaldson’s Fatal Revenant:
When all hope was gone, they heeded the counsels of despair. Had they continued to strive, defying their doom, some unforseen wonder might have occurred. And if it did not, still their glory would have surpassed their failure.
So here’s the answer daily prompt. I can’t shut up when I am upset. When I am low. I choose to sequester myself at these times. And I know I am not gonna change. Something I have to learn to change.
Let’s see what others have written.
Wedding in Four Points by Sheraton, Dubai – Shama & Shahid
Knowing when to Quit
It’s up to you
Daily Post: The Rage to Live!
Unsafe Containers: Daily Prompt
Too Many Faces
A Lid on My Emotions
Daily Prompt: Unsafe Containers or how I cope with life’s small problems
Unsafe Containers – Schoolroom vignette
RAGE AT THE DYING OF THE LIGHT
Green-Eyed Monster: Daily Post
Thanks For Reading