For the past couple of days I was feeling this way. But I couldn’t put a finger on what exactly I was feeling. Thanks to Louise’s blog post I understood it properly.
I am approaching the end of my internship. Four weeks are almost done, few days left. And although I learned a lot this last weeks, the initial excitement of getting an internship has long since faded. Now I just want to get it done. I want to join college back. Hang out with all my friends, who in the last weeks I have sorely missed. And complete my last year of my engineering degree.
The last month hasn’t exactly been easy. A few days into my internship I got to know that my plans for future are going awry. Actually the plans took a total back flip. GRE exams are out of the question. And while my parents and brother are trying to figure out what other options I do have, I have lost hope for it. My brother may tell me to think logically, parents will tell me to not lose hope for some way may show itself. But the thing is this, I never really had hopes. And I am thinking logically. Just my logic isn’t great.
So the best option I see in front of me is the college placements that are coming soon enough. That is in fact a scare in itself because I may have a phobia for interviews. I am not confident that ten minutes for me is enough to convince the interviewer to hire me. But all that for later. The post isn’t about that.
Internship was good. In fact it was like how I wanted, practical on job training, in medical imaging field. And I am grateful for it. But I am too tired about it also. So tired on most days, mentally tired too that I could hardly think of writing. If I sat and tried to write nothing came up. I just sat and looked at computer screen hoping to write but I simply couldn’t.
And that wasn’t the worse part. It is this.
I met engineers. People who are working in my desired field for last 3-4 years. Big company or small, or even hospital. They share stories. Talk about this and that. I keep asking for their opinion as to what I can do in the future.
They tell me that I’ll have to struggle for two years here. They tell me I have to work like a dog sometimes. Hardly much salary(really disappointing after the degree fees). But more than that I saw.
I saw a colleague being stuck on both sides. Person who hired us urged him to work faster, our boss told us to work at leisure. He got a call about machine breakdown he had to go at 9 in the night for repairing. And come back to the office again early next day. I have a lot of other examples too but this one is what I felt sorry for most.
I got to meet people who are working for more than ten years in this field. They can’t work without the cheapest alcohol. They say their brains only don’t work now. Smoking half a packet of cigarettes because the stress is too much.
I realized that even other fields if employment won’t differ much. There is all donkey work, hardly enough salary and worse part I don’t think I am cut out for this. This isn’t the place for weak willed and lazy( I am both).
This is the REAL world. And I don’t like it.
I hated school. College too I hated. Degree college, one where I am now, I had a blast. More memories, more friends, more fun than ever. At least for me. But ever since the bad days of school, possibly around 6th grade I looked forward. Looked forward to finishing my studies and getting a job. Into the real world. 8 years or so I looked forward to this. And I knew it won’t be sunshine and rainbows. But this is too forlorn.
Now when I had a glimpse of this real world, I don’t want to step forward. This is bad. May get a whole lot ugly, if colleagues are bad. Now people will change. Greed will cut in, ambition will come into picture.
This is not what I wanted. I couldn’t possibly picture myself a couple of years down the line, smoking to relieve the stress. Drinking to make my stupid brain work. Trying so hard to be content with my work but abhorring it most of the time. This is where I am headed?!
This is growing up!? I spent years looking forward to this and this is how things may turn out.
This sucks! It isn’t fair, isn’t right and most of all it is too damn disappointing. Far beyond disappointing.
This is where I may be headed after working so hard for so many years. Everyone said study well, you will get a great job and successful life. There is no great job!!
I am definitely exaggerating, being stupid with whatever I am thinking.
But it sucks! And I realize this now when I stand at end of my college. On the verge of the ending.
Thanks For Reading