Intense Compulsion

This time I don’t know how to start. Where to start.

Ever did the one thing that made you really angry? You are so angry that you feel like quashing things around to pulp. I know that feeling.

I am feeling it now. I am angry. Because people have a tendency to shout at me. Take me for granted. Demean me.

And I do the only human thing possible. I fulminate back. I don’t know what I say. I just say the first thing that pops in my mind.

My anger is enough to make any words hurtful. Things descend to a more dire state. And after the storm is settled, I realize that I may have said too much.

What choice do I have? Just sit there listen to you scream and shout. No I did that. Never went well. I stand up, but I think I do more damage then.

How am I supposed to know why you are angry? You never say, you expect me to read your mind? Hell as if you know what’s on my mind.

And then as quickly as it boils up, the anger is gone. I don’t know why this happens. The anger is still there, but it passive now. Occupying a place which will be accessed next time I get angry. And I feel the compulsion.

Yes I have really big anger issues. The way my anger swings makes me feel afraid of what all damage I’ll do. And to add to it a completely great combination of pure impulsive mouth. That doesn’t know what needs to be said.

So I fight. More with people who I care about rather than who I don’t. And I hurt them.

And then I do even more stupid stuff. I let my impulses lead me. I do my best to compensate. I FEEL A INSATIABLE NEED TO MAKE YOU UNDERSTAND. MAKE YOU KNOW THAT I DIDN’T WANT TO SAY THAT.

I don’t know if you can comprehend what I am trying to explain. But the best I could tell is this, I don’t know how to change. I don’t know whether you care about me or not. But I want to make you understand.

Understand me, as if that is how I could start to change.

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