What the hell am I doing?!
(This post I wrote in two parts: prior to my results and after my results are out)
What the hell am I doing?!
I kept asking myself the same question the moment I woke up. I already woke up late, I saw the clock reading 6:18 am and there was no way I’ll be able to attend the morning 8 am lecture. But I still got ready for college. I did my morning routine and got frustrated when I had to comb my hair. I left it all disheveled.
And to make things worse, the trains were late. I had no intention of studying in the train today, neither did I want to listen to songs. And continuously asked myself the same question. Attending lectures isn’t my favourite past time and today I knew I don’t want to stay at home either.
There was no rickshaw and my impatience didn’t let me wait for it either. So I as I walked with showers of rain I kept thinking what I am doing I realized the entire picture that is making me so disgruntled.
With my hair all sodden and and stuck with scalp making me looking bald, I knew I wasn’t asking about my lectures. I was asking about what am I supposed to do about my future. With my Ielts results coming today I have to decide where am I heading.
I gave my Ielts. I got selected in Accenture and now in like fifteen days or so I am giving GRE. I have to fix what I want to do with my future. No longer dubious about my caliber, I know I can do great where ever I route myself. Unfortunately I don’t know what I want more. And being irresolute is difficult because every time someone asks what’s your future plan(everyone asks me that) I can’t answer. I don’t know and even after almost six months of research I can’t decide.
One would assume that after giving an exam the decision would become easy. After getting a job offer I would have realisation. But I don’t. While I am not thrilled about Accenture(though its a job) I dread my results. I have a huge phobia about it.
I am assuming that I am not getting great marks. Honestly I think I can’t get the minimum required marks either. No matter how much I try to think positively, I dread the imminent mail that is going to make or break it for me mostly.
I just hope that I sleep a little better than I did last night from now. I am tired of this pressure. The expectations I have imposed on my shoulders is like breaking me down step by step.
Um, now this is awkward. I am not going to edit the preceding paragraphs because they are what I was feeling like in the morning.
Now its three hours after my tests are revealed. And I got a score of 8 out of a possible 9.
Yup, 8 out of 9. That’s amazing. I am happy, friends are demanding parties and everything looks brighter suddenly. For the moment or so my concerns are worries are eclipsed by what I achieved. I literally didn’t feel like I’ll receive a 6.5 out of 9 in the morning. I didn’t believe it when I saw this. For two seconds or so, I think my breath stopped and then I basked in all the air, which tasted sweeter abruptly.
I still don’t have any ounce of perception, no direction about what next. But for once maybe I’m really happy about NOW.
Sporting a huge cocky smile, standing like I just completed a impossible mission, I stand awaiting my bus.
I am suddenly optimistic that if not today, I’ll figure out my life’s calling someday. And I’ll grab it. Till that I’ll strive for better, doing colossal tasks (GRE and applying to universities, graduating…. You get the picture here) one step at a time.
Easy and slow.
Thanks For Reading