( By Heart

You’re asked to recite a poem (or song lyrics) from memory — what’s the first one that comes to mind? Does it have a special meaning, or is there another reason it has stayed, intact, in your mind?)

Yes, I understand that every life must end, aw-huh,..
As we sit alone, I know someday we must go, aw-huh,..
Oh I’m a lucky man, to count on both hands
the ones I love,..

Some folks just got one,
yeah, others, they got none,

The song is Just Breathe by my favorite band Pearl Jam. While watching a TV show once I heard this song for the first time, and I absolutely loved it. I still have this song in my phone, and the line from the song always touched a cord. Always.

After I heard the song I did the same, I counted the ones I love and care about. Counted the ones who I think love and care about me. And as ashamed as I am to admit it, I never count family. They are bound to love and care, they have always done so. So in conclusion I could never reach four fingers.

I cared about so many people, yet I never felt that the feeling is mutual.

I feel alone. In crowds. In the seclusion of home. I am not ashamed to admit it. Everyone feels the same, everyone is looking for something in their lives. So am I.

And now more than ever. When everything is golden and blissful, at those times the ephemeral feeling of accomplishment, the feeling of not being alone even for a small time lifts you up. When surrounded by people who laugh with you, eat with you. But when things turn sour, the people disappear with the wind.

When someone who I got really got attached to decided to walk out, I had to reevaluate my life. With the anger of  feeling of being discarded as thrash, the mourning and the selfish sadist urge to hurt back, I realized that maybe I am doing things wrong.

Maybe I expect people to be like me. To live their lives by my ideals. To fill in the picture that I painted for my perfect life. And that, even for all my nice intentions, is really the most selfish I could be. And I never realized it.

I cannot even live up to my ideals, how could I expect others to do so? And how could I expect them to know answers to questions that I should know.

The only person who can help me is me. About time I realize this. Only I can decode my life. No one else can decide which master’s am I supposed to pursue, or how to manage the abrupt stress of college work.

I have a direction, and I intend to improve myself down the path just opened.

To the friend who decided to walk out, I want to stay angry. I want to hurt you, even for small measure of pleasure I could get. But I know it is not going to help me. Your decision to end things, so be it. No more heated words exchanged, no more shouting in front of others. And I hope that when you decide to talk again, I’ll have lower expectancy. And I’ll be better. And I hope the same be said for you too.

Thanks For Reading

9 thoughts on “Loss

  1. Oh and I was thinking about what you wrote about family last night. You said you don’t count them because they are supposed to love. They are not. Trust me. I felt very unloved from my family for a very long time, no support also. Like the song, “I was not at home in my own home.” So if you have a loving family, please, don’t take them for granted. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I have had it all. I had the best friend(s) in the world. I have had the worst friends (enemies?) in the world. I have left the worst friends and experienced the joy of being without them. I have lost my best friend and others with her and felt the pain of loss. It was neither fault. It is life.
    I have had my heart broken only to realise that it was my ego the one that was hurt. I was too shy and missed out, I was too confident and forced it. But, do I punish myself over it? Not anymore. No. I have seen love and I have seen hate/anger/sadness and I choose love. That is why I say to everyone who cares to listen… When you realize that the only person who is there with you all the way every day-is you, and you love you, you have in every moment one person who loves you. In every moment billions of cells love you. And if you’re religious like me, I say I have two person love me every second, me and God.
    That is how I think now, I don’t intrude or try to influence others and this comment is just that. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Brings to mind a notion I’ve read again and again but of course can’t tell you where–that Home is within you. And until you find your internal home, no one else can fill the void. I have, but it took me to middle age to do it. Don’t wait that long. Seek . . .

    Liked by 1 person

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