Optimism can only go so far
I ended up saying the same thing to a couple of my friends, a lot during the last couple of days. And this was not just related to one issue.
Recently I read this girl’s post, and I felt sorry for her because what she is going through I went through four years ago. And as much support I wanna give to her, I can’t. Simply because I know only she can scrape through it herself.
And I lied to her. I said things get better. That’s a white faced lie, if there’s ever one. Because things never get better.
Life so far if I can divide into distinct parts would be my school exams (SSC) or the 10th grade, 12th grade(HSC) and an entrance exam followed by college. All the experiences all the memories can be so easily categorized by three academic progressions.
And each tougher than the last. Every time I heard the same thing: Give your best This Exam and your life path is paved in rose petals and a red carpet. Nothing like this happened. It was just a typical grass is greener on the other side. And the ruse used though motivational ended up disappointing me. There’s no end to this.
10th grade I slogged. 12th I slogged. Screwed up my entrance and yet somehow my mothertongue’s grace ended up in a college that was too good in its appearance.
And I struggled on and on. To be identified, to be understood, to achieve and to be liked. To fit in. The endless tirade always seemed to have an end which was constantly fleeing never to be in my grasp. And now when that’s over, I have to figure out how to… live, I guess. Find something that I love and do it. And that for me is hardest.
And honestly I give up.
There I said it. I can’t do this anymore. Because I know this for a fact, that tomorrow will definitely have its dark days. Future will be brutal, lonely and morose. Things never get better. Whenever you think they can’t get worse, they do the next time.
The good days, the joys too scanty and too transient. The bad days will be like weekdays. And sometimes weekends. And my optimism has depleted. I no longer look at the future with an wide eyed stupid perspective. The nativity is gone. Replaced by a pragmatic and realistic approach, the flippant attitude can’t be a used as a cover anymore.
So yeah, if there’s any good thing I can say is this. Things never get better, I just get better at handling them. I get better at carrying that burden that now buckles my knees and brings sweat to my brow.
There’s no peace*.
*Well there’s peace if you can find time to read a novel sitting on a couch sipping hot tea.