Quitting Blogging, Missing Birthdays and all the rest


Around the time I started working, I was out of ideas, I had nothing to write anymore and even worse I was hesitant to share the things I used to share so bravely when I was back in college. Moreover, I was frantic over the fact that my blog, something that I am dabbing with my soul for so long is simply refusing to fly. So a month ago, I decided to quit blogging. That seemed like the perfect solution to things, no more blog posts and then no more stats to worry about.


In the last two months six of my friends had their birthdays. Before I had left college I had promised all of my friends I will keep in touch with them. Now almost six months later (where did the six months go!), I cannot even remember their birthdays. I missed six birthdays, I never checked birthdays on Facebook. Some of them understood, some of them cursed me playfully. Although I am never the one for partying I do intend to be there for friends especially on the big days. I couldn’t even remember my best friends birthdays.


I hated my decision to quit, but when I knew the only way for me to enjoy this again is to make sure I stop looking at the page views. I even gave a trial run of writing in my phone for a couple of days as a personal journal. It was good, that made me realize what is more important when I blog here. I ended up catching up with the bloggers who I follow and I loved what they wrote. I read and I read more than I can ever.


I called up my friends, apologized for not being there with them on their day. To my best friend I offered to buy a gift. And I never do gifts, the entire idea is highly overrated to me. But the guilt that rode me made me offer.Luckily, friend here never thought too big of it. So did all the other friends, they understood. I must have done something right by them, otherwise I have seen friendships broken with such little thought.


Another one of my blog friend quit blogging around the same time I contemplating to quit. She started blogging when I started and her blog I really enjoyed. Even though she wrote only about nonsensical things (sorry :P) I liked her blog. With her leaving this place, I felt bereavement of sorts. We are still in touch but she hardly ever blogs anymore, regardless of the fact she has a new blog.


I was afraid moreover that my own blog can be used against me. It took some will to convince myself that the only people reading this will be the ones who actually want to know what is happening in my life. My blog is going to be updated today after almost a month. Only yesterday did I realize that maybe I do have somethings to say. I will always have new things to say. I just need to stop making excuses to not write here.


I did meet my friends again. Not all of them, but with them the old familiarity returns however tarnished. I speak less with them, I speak less with everyone. I think I did make some new friends again, actual friends and not bullshit ones. I always had a plan to get my shit together so to say, only tonight I am beginning to try.

Now, as I proofread this I realize my writing is still very bad. My thoughts muddled and yet I am going to try big things like #NaNoWriMo. I have no idea how am I actually going to achieve that. Neither do I know how I will actually continue writing and how am I going to prioritize things in life. I guess I should say I am sorry for almost deleting my blog, I should say I am sorry to my friends for forgetting birthdays. But enough self-pity for a day.

The Narrowness of Minds


Something that needs to be pondered upon…

A Hopelessly Wandering Mind

What defines us still, to so many eyes? In the age of emancipation how do nations measure our skill, our worth? Justice falls away, prejudice remains, stains our character, suggesting opinions before they can form, and shunning those who do nothing to merit it. What’s in a name, what’s in the hue, the pigment, the colour of our skin to define our worth?

Nothing.

And yet, to some, to too many, it still means everything.

Frederick Douglass, ca. 1879.  George K. Warren. (National Archives Gift Collection) Exact Date Shot Unknown NARA FILE #:  200-FL-22 WAR & CONFLICT BOOK #:  113 Frederick Douglass, ca. 1879

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Don’t Blame Me


Don’t blame me
If I fail
Cause you told me I’ll fail.

Don’t blame me
If I get angry
Cause you never appeased me.

Don’t blame me
For being a loser
You never taught me to win.

Don’t blame me
If don’t talk
You never listened.

Don’t blame me
If I’m alone
You never stood next to me.

Don’t blame me
If I trust too easy
How else could you have taken advantage?

Don’t blame me
If I don’t back myself
You taught me I’m not worthy.

Don’t blame me
If I turn cynical
Even I need a facade

Don’t blame me
For becoming vile
This is your making.

Guest Post #5: Quest for a Right Job


Here’s Melissa’s post. Do have a read, I for one found some great inspiration from reading this. This is one guest post I have not edited for it deserved to be as it is. Her Blog ‘In Between Moderation‘ is amazing and worthy of a follow.
You can also check out her interview. Take the stage Melissa:

With a knotted stomach I hit send on my application. This is probably the 23th job I have applied for in the past 20 years averaging to a job a year. The case however is different; I have been with the same company for several years. However, I have switched positions in a vain attempt to find where I fit. That’s the thing about the working world. It’s hard to know what you are meant to do. Sometimes it is self-doubt that derails you, sometimes it is poor timing, bad economy, or just happenstance.

My career path had been close to a jagged line with peaks and valleys then an upward curving trajectory. After graduating collage I thought, in a naive misguided way, that it would be smooth sailing. Just find a job in my field and happily plug away. That was until I received my first paycheck…and realized it was not enough to cover my rent. What about all that schooling! They told me a college degree was what I needed to set myself up for a good steady stream of income. Arrange my life to have the 2.5 kids and white picket fence of my dreams. I remember staring at the paycheck in disbelief. What I was told in collage was a lie. No dream job was waiting for me when I graduated. No automatic insurance into a good life came with my diploma. I had to change my plans.

Thus ensued my search for the “right” job. A job that didn’t make me feel like I was surrounded by characters from the movie “Office Space,” and that didn’t evoke feelings of the opening scene in “Joe vs. The Volcano.”  After spending two years fruitlessly trying to make my collage degree worth something in my chosen field. I got tired of living at the poverty line and decided to ” get a real job,” with set hours and benefits.

What I didn’t know was this job came with a shackle that handcuffed me to my desk and measured every moment of production possible. That included timed bathroom breaks and various acronyms for measuring of productivity. AHT, WID, these that were suppose to have some sort of meaning to me, but never did. I bounce around to several of these types of jobs feeling pretty lost but making enough money to live on.

This time was not a totally loss however, the jobs were draining and unfulfilling but I learned a lot about how I worked and how to get along in an office environment. I learned how to interview for jobs. Mainly when to keep my mouth shut. However, I hated this type of environment, and its lack of freedom. I often hoped I would have a car accident so I would have an excuse not to go to work.

After several years the company decided to move. Everyone was terrified. I was relieved. This was it. This was my way out. But to where? I still did not know. I bounced around to several more jobs until I found the company I have been with. I settled here. Why? The people were not insane, I was not chained to a desk and I enjoyed the environment. Was the job fulfilling… no. I got board pretty quickly.

However, this was another transition point in life where I learned about myself. I got married and gave birth to two children. I found an unusual amount of support in the people I worked with. I learned how to better get along with those of differing viewpoints. I learned that my boss is not an evil maladjusted wackjob, hell bent on making me miserable. They are people who are just trying to get through the day and even if they like you they have to do their job too. The other employee’s came to be like family to me, mean older sisters and spoiled younger brothers at times, but they were there for me when I needed a family. I didn’t know until then a job could offer that.

As far as the work however, I created nothing, left no mark, had no new skills to learn and after a time become board and disgruntled. I needed to move on. So I did. Moved into a position that I thought would allow me to grow. Somewhere I thought would finally lead to a career, to a place where I fit. Unfortunately, this was not it. My hopes where soon dashed in a position that held no movement or growth. It was filled with fossils of an old régime who guarded there knowledge like “my precious” in Lord of the Rings. I was given minimal tasks and little human interaction. This began to weigh on my mind, and my self worth. Little mistakes became inflated. With no were to go, I felt trapped like a claustrophobic in a box.

But as in all the jobs I had prior, I turned inward for my lessons. There was growth to be had but it was inside of me. I needed to identify who I was outside of what I did for a job. Thus began my blog at Inbetweenmoderation.com. I also embarked on the journey of making a cake decorating hobby into a viable side business. Most importantly, I searched beyond my employer to define what I choose to give back to society. This has lead me to try something difference and in the end try for a position that I would have never thought I stood a chance in.

Where am I going with this? The jobs I have had might have seemed like a stagnant void of despair. It might have seemed like I was standing still for all those years, searching for somewhere I fit. I have come to realize that each job was a stepping stone, a place marker for something I need to learn about myself. The growth and change needed to take place in me. I needed to learn about myself before I could ever understand where I fit. So as you go thru your career and job landscape remember, it isn’t the job that make you who you are. It is you that makes you who you are. The job only a part of the journey, but finding where you fit is so much more then any job give you. You find where you fit when you finally figure out what job fits for you.


Thank you Melissa for this wonderful post.

PS: I am still open for more guest bloggers and I encourage more to come. If interested then contact me on: itsmayurremember@gmail.com
(image credits: yorksolutions.com)
Blogger Interview

Guest Blogger #5: Melissa Ruddy Interview


A while ago, I posted a Call for Guest Bloggers, Melissa from ‘In Between Moderation‘ responded. She kind of liked what I do so she asked me to write a guest blog for and that you can check out here.

Her blog is all about balance, and she herself tries to achieve balance in her life and try to help other reach the goal. She herself is a amazing writer, her blog post is inspirational.

So let’s hear more from her shall we?


1. Who are you and why do you write?

I am a mom of two, a wife, a full-time employee and someone who is trying to not overdue things while at the same time trying to fit everything in. I write because I need a voice, I need reflection, I need the sanity of the outlet it provides.

2. What kind of stories/posts you enjoy reading most?

The posts I read vary greatly depending on my mood, sometimes I  blogs about cake decorating, recipes, finance, family life, really anything that is written in an interesting way.

3. Lastly, any tips for readers/Mayur on how to improve their writing?

I am always more likely to read blogs that are broken up with some white space and have a few pictures. If it is a long block of text, I tend to skip it. It might be good writing but it just seems to arduous to read.


Her Guest Blog post(non fiction) will be published on Tuesday morning so do come back here to check it out.

Thank You Melissa for the support.

PS: I am still open for more guest bloggers and I encourage more to come. If interested then contact me on: itsmayurremember@gmail.com

 

Lessons

Things Never Done


I traveled by bus past her area, thinking I will be unaffected. But I become overwhelmed by the past.

The past was funny, flirty and childish. It was something inexperienced, new and cute as a baby.

The face I never could recall. I always marveled at my inability to recall her visage, I’m one of those who never forgot a face.

The words stayed though, the laughs shared, the places described and the wishes left unfulfilled. Of going to the places she described, enjoying the things she so enthusiastically explained, ones I never got to do.

Fate ran its own course and the irony of how things ended left me mortified. How the last conversation ended in blood and threats.

The realization of how big I messed up plagues me, producing questions which I could never find answers for. Regrets gave me a lesson in humility.

I miss the conversations. No matter how many times they are emulated with another, they lack the originality, the naïveté.

I guard my tongue more than before, aware that I’ll still hurt someone way too easily. Haunted by the thought of making the same mistake again.

Rain fell, seemingly to compliment the bereavement.

(Image Credits: Pagecovers.com)