I am okay.
Its been three weeks since Yuri passed away. I miss him dearly but there are no more tears. I can’t cry even if I force myself to remember that day again. My life kept going on & in my normal (lockdown) life my biggest worry is if I will find all the groceries I want.
However, I feel that this return to normality is just a veneer and it could break at any point plunging me into despair again.
I still feel guilt over Yuri’s passing. But it isn’t incapacitating as it used to be.
If I laugh or have fun watching some TV show, I feel guilty about having fun.
If I read something or listen to a good podcast that I know Yuri would love, I feel guilty about forgetting he is no longer alive.
I am keeping in touch with other friends. I text Umang everyday or two, mostly about innocuous topics. I don’t have the energy to ask if he is doing well. I hope he is but until he feels like he needs to talk to me, I will keep in touch.
I am trying to make an effort to be in touch with as many people whom I call my friends.
I shared my letter on Facebook. I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to. I felt like the world deserved to know about Yuri and my pain, as if sharing the pain would reduce it. Instead I had a bunch of people messaging me to ask me how I am doing: as if my letter didn’t accurately describe how I was feeling. I don’t blame them though, there are only a few things one can ask at these times. I know they just mean well.
I know once lockdown ends I will be framing a photo of Yuri. I am already forgetting what he sounds like & I haven’t re-read our texts in a while. I reminiscence about things we did, conversations we had randomly. They bring a smile to my face now rather than tears.
Regardless, life feels a bit hollow now. There is something missing in the sunlight outside, the birds chirping feel a little off-tune. Things are the same but not completely.
A distant part of me wonders if Yuri’s death will define me & who I am or will it be me who won’t be able to let go and move on.
I am worried about what the future holds now. This year my brother had a stroke & then Yuri. I don’t know what is going to happen next and I genuinely don’t feel like I am up for it. The one thing I learned from crying is it is exhausting and I don’t want to do it again.