Grief three weeks on

I am okay.

Its been three weeks since Yuri passed away. I miss him dearly but there are no more tears. I can’t cry even if I force myself to remember that day again. My life kept going on & in my normal (lockdown) life my biggest worry is if I will find all the groceries I want.

However, I feel that this return to normality is just a veneer and it could break at any point plunging me into despair again.

I still feel guilt over Yuri’s passing. But it isn’t incapacitating as it used to be.

If I laugh or have fun watching some TV show, I feel guilty about having fun.

If I read something or listen to a good podcast that I know Yuri would love, I feel guilty about forgetting he is no longer alive.

I am keeping in touch with other friends. I text Umang everyday or two, mostly about innocuous topics. I don’t have the energy to ask if he is doing well. I hope he is but until he feels like he needs to talk to me, I will keep in touch.

I am trying to make an effort to be in touch with as many people whom I call my friends.

I shared my letter on Facebook. I don’t know why but I felt like I needed to. I felt like the world deserved to know about Yuri and my pain, as if sharing the pain would reduce it. Instead I had a bunch of people messaging me to ask me how I am doing: as if my letter didn’t accurately describe how I was feeling. I don’t blame them though, there are only a few things one can ask at these times. I know they just mean well.

I know once lockdown ends I will be framing a photo of Yuri. I am already forgetting what he sounds like & I haven’t re-read our texts in a while. I reminiscence about things we did, conversations we had randomly. They bring a smile to my face now rather than tears.

Regardless, life feels a bit hollow now. There is something missing in the sunlight outside, the birds chirping feel a little off-tune. Things are the same but not completely.

A distant part of me wonders if Yuri’s death will define me & who I am or will it be me who won’t be able to let go and move on.

I am worried about what the future holds now. This year my brother had a stroke & then Yuri. I don’t know what is going to happen next and I genuinely don’t feel like I am up for it. The one thing I learned from crying is it is exhausting and I don’t want to do it again.