Birthday Blues

My birthday was in November. Yes, this post is extremely late.

When I was a child, I had the habit of counting the number of days to my birthday. I would literally start the day following my birthday and count the number of days till my next. I loved it. I received presents. Mom would cook lots of my favorite food. I would cut blow the candle and cut my cake as everyone started singing ‘Happy Birthday’.

As years went on, birthdays changed: it became the day of no consequence. I could literally sleep all day long and no one could say anything to me. I would not do any homework, would try to take a holiday so that I could avoid school. My excuse: it was my birthday.

On the opposite side of the spectrum is my dad. He would hardly celebrate his birthday. He would go to work and come back, always telling me that he can’t take a holiday because it was his birthday. I never understood that. He would say ‘Kya celebrate karna?’ ( What’s there to celebrate? ).

In the recent years, my birthdays changed. During my bachelor’s, my birthday would coincide with the hardest exam. My college mates would greet me quickly and go back to studying. I wanted to study just like them, my birthday wasn’t important enough.

Sometime during those years, I changed my Facebook’s privacy and permanently hid my birthday. I didn’t know why then, I know why now. I don’t want people who I have never spoken to in years, people who could hardly be called acquaintance message me on my birthday to wish me. I never liked Facebook’s insistent notifications reminding me of others’ birthdays. I always thought Facebook’s birthday calendar system was too robotic, devoid of any feelings or emotions.

I don’t remember what I did last year for my birthday. I was probably in bed because I was still sad over what had happened. This year, I went to work. I completed my hours, made a software release, not mentioning my birthday to my colleagues. I made the day as ordinary as possible.

I did that because it is an ordinary day. I was born 24 years ago on a November day was special. For me, it doesn’t make all the subsequent Novembers special anymore even though the young me thought otherwise.As I was walking home, I remembered my dad’s words: ‘Kya celebrate karna?’ ( Now what’s there to celebrate? ).

If I was a character in a show or book, I think I would call this change a character development.



This one is special. It is very close to my heart and I felt like writing about it for a while.

Laughter. It is contagious, spontaneous and very much precious. Ever heard a baby laugh? In no time almost everyone looking at the baby starts laughing, the joy spreads across like water.

If you know me and have heard my laugh, you will agree with this, I laugh like a maniac. Total and absolute maniac. I laugh with my feet bouncing off the floor, my arms making some unintelligible symbols in the air before clenching my stomach because its paining from laughter.

I am one of the few people who can laugh at anything and everything till tears swell out of my eyes. And I’m extremely proud of that.

How many people do you know who could look at something and make an insane joke and start howling in laugh? The answer is none. Well some can, but none like me. I have damaged my bed when I’m literally ROFL, I have broken my chair and made my dog more scared of my laughter than something really scary, like bathing. Yeah!

I laugh like crazy when we watch a show on weekends, and my parents proudly claim that any comic show is not funny without me. And I’m pretty sure that most jokes get funny because of maniacs like me. Well you are welcome!

Then I look around people. People who grew up from being children themselves. Who somewhere in their lives stopped laughing. They now laugh properly, decently(ugh) even. People with their constant attempts to be cool. And I pity them.

I dare you, next time you hear a joke that starts a giggle in your throat, just laugh. Laugh like me, leave your limbs free and let the magic(yeah!) take you over. By the time you are done laughing, your stomach will be aching, you will feel hungry and your bladder will be bursting. And tears will be shed, proving that your eyes still work.

And you will be revitalized.

My laugh is probably the only thing that has not changed. It is there from my childhood and I intend to keep it alive this way. Unadulterated and unbiased.

But, alas not all good things last forever. Now my laughter is becoming strained. When confronted with questions without any seemingly correct answer, question like what do I want to do with my life? How do I make people believe in my when I have doubts? Then there are two options. Cry like a baby, or laugh like a baby.

And I laugh, because crying makes me look weaker. I laugh and I notice hysteria slowly creeping in. I realize what had happened to others and why they have difficulty laughing like I do. Reality came crashing in. And confrontation scattered will. Madness and sadness were only discernible.

And I’m staggered by the question: Will I end up like those who have forgotten how to laugh?

My answer is maniacal laughter. Because the alternative is too terrifying.

Thanks For Reading

Verge Of Ending

For the past couple of days I was feeling this way. But I couldn’t put a finger on what exactly I was feeling. Thanks to Louise’s blog post I understood it properly.

I am approaching the end of my internship. Four weeks are almost done, few days left. And although I learned a lot this last weeks, the initial excitement of getting an internship has long since faded. Now I just want to get it done. I want to join college back. Hang out with all my friends, who in the last weeks I have sorely missed. And complete my last year of my engineering degree.

The last month hasn’t exactly been easy. A few days into my internship I got to know that my plans for future are going awry. Actually the plans took a total back flip. GRE exams are out of the question. And while my parents and brother are trying to figure out what other options I do have, I have lost hope for it. My brother may tell me to think logically, parents will tell me to not lose hope for some way may show itself. But the thing is this, I never really had hopes. And I am thinking logically. Just my logic isn’t great.

So the best option I see in front of me is the college placements that are coming soon enough. That is in fact a scare in itself because I may have a phobia for interviews. I am not confident that ten minutes for me is enough to convince the interviewer to hire me. But all that for later. The post isn’t about that.

Internship was good. In fact it was like how I wanted, practical on job training, in medical imaging field. And I am grateful for it. But I am too tired about it also. So tired on most days, mentally tired too that I could hardly think of writing. If I sat and tried to write nothing came up. I just sat and looked at computer screen hoping to write but I simply couldn’t.

And that wasn’t the worse part. It is this.

I met engineers. People who are working in my desired field for last 3-4 years. Big company or small, or even hospital. They share stories. Talk about this and that. I keep asking for their opinion as to what I can do in the future.

They tell me that I’ll have to struggle for two years here. They tell me I have to work like a dog sometimes. Hardly much salary(really disappointing after the degree fees). But more than that I saw.

I saw a colleague being stuck on both sides. Person who hired us urged him to work faster, our boss told us to work at leisure. He got a call about machine breakdown he had to go at 9 in the night for repairing. And come back to the office again early next day. I have a lot of other examples too but this one is what I felt sorry for most.

I got to meet people who are working for more than ten years in this field. They can’t work without the cheapest alcohol. They say their brains only don’t work now. Smoking half a packet of cigarettes because the stress is too much.

I realized that even other fields if employment won’t differ much. There is all donkey work, hardly enough salary and worse part I don’t think I am cut out for this. This isn’t the place for weak willed and lazy( I am both).

This is the REAL world. And I don’t like it.

I hated school. College too I hated. Degree college, one where I am now, I had a blast. More memories, more friends, more fun than ever. At least for me. But ever since the bad days of school, possibly around 6th grade I looked forward. Looked forward to finishing my studies and getting a job. Into the real world. 8 years or so I looked forward to this. And I knew it won’t be sunshine and rainbows. But this is too forlorn.

Now when I had a glimpse of this real world, I don’t want to step forward. This is bad. May get a whole lot ugly, if colleagues are bad. Now people will change. Greed will cut in, ambition will come into picture.

This is not what I wanted. I couldn’t possibly picture myself a couple of years down the line, smoking to relieve the stress. Drinking to make my stupid brain work. Trying so hard to be content with my work but abhorring it most of the time. This is where I am headed?!

This is growing up!? I spent years looking forward to this and this is how things may turn out.

This sucks! It isn’t fair, isn’t right and most of all it is too damn disappointing. Far beyond disappointing.

This is where I may be headed after working so hard for so many years. Everyone said study well, you will get a great job and successful life. There is no great job!!

I am definitely exaggerating, being stupid with whatever I am thinking.

But it sucks! And I realize this now when I stand at end of my college. On the verge of the ending.

Thanks For Reading