Internship Monologues

PS: I got an internship recently, and this is how I feel everyday.

Credits: The Mighty

What are you doing?

I am trying to understand this code.

You have to admit it is way beyond your comprehension.

No I got this.

You will screw up. They will know you are a fraud.

Shut up! You worked your ass off for this and damn it I am not going to let you quit now. Come on now, move!

Oh, this is gonna end well.

My mind is constantly working. When I am reading, my mind is concocting the next military fantasy novel, when I am coding my mind is trying to create ideas for the next big application. My mind does not deal with small issues.

Go Big or Go Home.

I sometimes hear my mind speak in a voice not very distant from my own, but it has a certain sense of arrogance that I can never manifest in mine. My mind wants perfection, it craves success and lastly, it wants that high of achievement.

I push myself to get it: constantly for almost everything. I have met people who say that it is tiring and they get burnout at the end of the day. I am lucky enough to not experience that so far. My mind is also smart enough to know when to stop trying.

Alas, it doesn’t know when to stop talking.

Oh shit! I screwed up.

No you did not, relax.

What have I done in my program: it completely crashes everything.

It is okay. Take a deep breath, you got this.

No I don’t. I should never have come here.

You are trying. That is all one can ever do, if it works or not is not in your hand.

Yeah I guess I can try.

It gets weird at times though. It is like I have the devil (he is not evil, mostly) and an angel sitting on my shoulders. One tells me to be the master of everything, to push above and beyond I have ever gone before. He tells me not to take shit from anyone ever, to keep chasing that perfection. It doesn’t give me the option of failure.

The other: it catches me when I fall, which is very often. It supports me, allows me to watch lots of dog videos when I am feeling down and slowly gets me back on track. It tells me it is okay to fail.

My internship has made the two voices extra loud. I am scared. Seriously scared about what will happen if I can’t do this.

You will not fail, you can’t.

I am struggling to understand how to code at the level of 4 year experienced coders. I have no idea how well I am doing.

It is okay, you are trying your best.

I am not afraid of asking for help, in fact that is what an internship is all about. Learning new things, working your way through challenges.Everyone is helpful at work, they never say no to helping out. They are also funny which is a bonus. I am just afraid of asking for too much help which can make them think I am not cut out for working at their level.

No you are!

I am afraid of being proved incapable. I am afraid of finishing my internship and realizing that maybe I wasn’t smart enough for all of this. I am afraid that my brain, which was once the my strongest asset, is no longer any asset.

If this does not work out then something else. You can manage things bro!



Verge Of Ending

For the past couple of days I was feeling this way. But I couldn’t put a finger on what exactly I was feeling. Thanks to Louise’s blog post I understood it properly.

I am approaching the end of my internship. Four weeks are almost done, few days left. And although I learned a lot this last weeks, the initial excitement of getting an internship has long since faded. Now I just want to get it done. I want to join college back. Hang out with all my friends, who in the last weeks I have sorely missed. And complete my last year of my engineering degree.

The last month hasn’t exactly been easy. A few days into my internship I got to know that my plans for future are going awry. Actually the plans took a total back flip. GRE exams are out of the question. And while my parents and brother are trying to figure out what other options I do have, I have lost hope for it. My brother may tell me to think logically, parents will tell me to not lose hope for some way may show itself. But the thing is this, I never really had hopes. And I am thinking logically. Just my logic isn’t great.

So the best option I see in front of me is the college placements that are coming soon enough. That is in fact a scare in itself because I may have a phobia for interviews. I am not confident that ten minutes for me is enough to convince the interviewer to hire me. But all that for later. The post isn’t about that.

Internship was good. In fact it was like how I wanted, practical on job training, in medical imaging field. And I am grateful for it. But I am too tired about it also. So tired on most days, mentally tired too that I could hardly think of writing. If I sat and tried to write nothing came up. I just sat and looked at computer screen hoping to write but I simply couldn’t.

And that wasn’t the worse part. It is this.

I met engineers. People who are working in my desired field for last 3-4 years. Big company or small, or even hospital. They share stories. Talk about this and that. I keep asking for their opinion as to what I can do in the future.

They tell me that I’ll have to struggle for two years here. They tell me I have to work like a dog sometimes. Hardly much salary(really disappointing after the degree fees). But more than that I saw.

I saw a colleague being stuck on both sides. Person who hired us urged him to work faster, our boss told us to work at leisure. He got a call about machine breakdown he had to go at 9 in the night for repairing. And come back to the office again early next day. I have a lot of other examples too but this one is what I felt sorry for most.

I got to meet people who are working for more than ten years in this field. They can’t work without the cheapest alcohol. They say their brains only don’t work now. Smoking half a packet of cigarettes because the stress is too much.

I realized that even other fields if employment won’t differ much. There is all donkey work, hardly enough salary and worse part I don’t think I am cut out for this. This isn’t the place for weak willed and lazy( I am both).

This is the REAL world. And I don’t like it.

I hated school. College too I hated. Degree college, one where I am now, I had a blast. More memories, more friends, more fun than ever. At least for me. But ever since the bad days of school, possibly around 6th grade I looked forward. Looked forward to finishing my studies and getting a job. Into the real world. 8 years or so I looked forward to this. And I knew it won’t be sunshine and rainbows. But this is too forlorn.

Now when I had a glimpse of this real world, I don’t want to step forward. This is bad. May get a whole lot ugly, if colleagues are bad. Now people will change. Greed will cut in, ambition will come into picture.

This is not what I wanted. I couldn’t possibly picture myself a couple of years down the line, smoking to relieve the stress. Drinking to make my stupid brain work. Trying so hard to be content with my work but abhorring it most of the time. This is where I am headed?!

This is growing up!? I spent years looking forward to this and this is how things may turn out.

This sucks! It isn’t fair, isn’t right and most of all it is too damn disappointing. Far beyond disappointing.

This is where I may be headed after working so hard for so many years. Everyone said study well, you will get a great job and successful life. There is no great job!!

I am definitely exaggerating, being stupid with whatever I am thinking.

But it sucks! And I realize this now when I stand at end of my college. On the verge of the ending.

Thanks For Reading

Internship day one

1. How not to get an internship:

Never trust your teacher when he says that he’ll call the company on your behalf and try to get you an internship there.

He is not going to call, and you will keep circling around him for two weeks or so before you give up.

Second no matter how many companies or hospitals (Biomed people get internships there too!) you call/meet they won’t keep you.

2. Only thing to do:

Call the person who you know has a job in the same field and he maybe able to help you.

Or like in my case, my parents knew someone who helped.

That all aside, today I had my first day as an intern.

Experience: Amazing

I had to leave and keep calling the company so many times to get there, I didn’t know where the company was.

When I finally got there, I understood it wasn’t a big company but rather a small scale industry. Which deals with Repairs, reselling and maintenance of CT machines.

Yes a little old machines but only because the contracts on their maintenance is now void. So these guys come in to help.

With a little skeptical about the ‘company’ I got in, and what do I see: engineers putting together a x-ray tube. Now I already have a very big interest in all imaging machines(X ray is one of them, so is CT).

After talking with the concerned authorities I joined those engineers. And I just assembled my first tube. Well they did, but I was with them. And it turned out to work in contradiction to how it was supposed to work. But after a little troubleshooting it worked perfectly.


X ray tube, a little light is now source of x rays


Top view of x ray tube. That is the filament connection


Inside of the CT scan machine console

Though skeptical about this in the beginning, now I am looking forward to this. This is exactly how I wanted. Practical knowledge!

For those who don’t know

X ray tube is like a heart of most imaging machines

CT scan machine is a advanced version of x ray machines which can take a 3D image of the body.

Thanks For Reading