I was talking to my friend past Friday. I was trying to start a PS3 console and it wouldn’t start so I called him. While talking I mentioned that I am trying out ‘Batman: Arkham City’ game even though I have no clue what to do in it. It is at that moment he pretty much summed up my entire life.
‘You never know what you are doing, you just do it.’
I had a great laugh at that and true enough it is what I mostly do. I felt good to hear him say it.
I finally moved into a new house. I love it there and it more that what I was hoping for. There are so many empty shelves in my room and will probably remain empty. I like less stuff and clutter.
Sunday is when I moved to a new house. Afterwards, I went to play Holi in Radha-Krishna (ISKCON) temple in the outskirts of Auckland with a friend of mine and neither of us knew what was going to happen there. We just went and pretty much had one of the best parties without drinking. Surprise surprise.
The same night though, my way of living life turned on me. Later that night there was another party (I never say no, another way I live) and I went there as well. Like Holi, I didn’t know what to do here as well. I couldn’t have fun here.
I spent sometime being around with a bunch of guys that I know but not really friends with and eventually I withdrew. I didn’t talk much and eventually I was alone on a table with a pack of playing cards contemplating my choice of coming here.
I was the weird guy at the party who was trying to build a house of cards rather than talk to people and have a good time.
‘That is probably the worst thing I have ever done at a party’ I messaged another friend.
My irritating habit of being socially awkward has bothered me for as long as I can remember. I was never as weird as to build a house of cards though.
Last year I went to a girl’s 21st birthday and eventually I was sitting in the corner with a glass of water in my hand while everyone was chatting and having a good time. I just couldn’t do it, get up and maybe get into a conversation.
There is never any better way to explain what I feel at such situations because I actually don’t feel anything.
I know if I am invited then I will be going to any social function. I am always hoping that my experience will be better than the last time. Going is not just about missing out or not being able to say no.
I go because I want to go. It will be fun are my thoughts as I am deciding whether or not to go.
It is about being normal. It is about trying and trying again cause the only other option is to give up and let it all go.
I guess I do know what I am doing.